A conflict with my mom
For some strange reason, I can't really recall any significant interpersonal conflicts except those with my mom. Most of the time, we have a great loving relationship with one another, but when we disagree, we tend to be pretty stubborn.
The memorable incident occurred when I was 12. It was a sunday morning and I was lazing around on my bed. My mom wanted me to get up, but I had no intention of doing so. At that time, Chinese New Year was around the corner, and my mom had painstakingly cut out articles discussing my zodiac sign - the bull. She urged me to get up and take a look at her handiwork. However, I didn't see what the urgency was and simply wailed, "I want to sleep!".
My mom then got very upset and started wailing and crying. My dad tried to console her by saying, "kids these days are different. You can't expect them to be so obedient." Then he asked me to apologise.
At that time, I was just sitting up on my bed but staring indignantly at the floor. I hadn't done anything wrong, so why should I apologise? So I just got up and went off to wash up, but my mood was soured.
What would you have done if you were in my shoes?
The memorable incident occurred when I was 12. It was a sunday morning and I was lazing around on my bed. My mom wanted me to get up, but I had no intention of doing so. At that time, Chinese New Year was around the corner, and my mom had painstakingly cut out articles discussing my zodiac sign - the bull. She urged me to get up and take a look at her handiwork. However, I didn't see what the urgency was and simply wailed, "I want to sleep!".
My mom then got very upset and started wailing and crying. My dad tried to console her by saying, "kids these days are different. You can't expect them to be so obedient." Then he asked me to apologise.
At that time, I was just sitting up on my bed but staring indignantly at the floor. I hadn't done anything wrong, so why should I apologise? So I just got up and went off to wash up, but my mood was soured.
What would you have done if you were in my shoes?
The Phoney Bustard carpped on3:55 PM
14 Comments:
Since you are much older now, I think you should have a different opinion of what to do if the same incident happened again. Anyway, I will give my comments.
If I was in your shoes,I think I would try to be polite to her, and just take a look at her cuttings. It is just a small thing to do, and she is your mom after all.It is also a sunday and you are free anyway.
Hope this incident did not affect your relationship with your mom too badly.
Ahh but it's your mum! I can imagine what was going on in her head at that point in time - something along the lines of "Gosh my son is so disobedient and lazy - how is he going to grow up to be a good man and look after me in the future~~~~ Oh why isn't my son like XX's son who's first in class and cooks excellent fried rice and ~~~".
Hi Yihan
If I were in your place, I would probably have taken a look, without much interest.I think what caused a conflict in this case is the difference in age, and hence a different perception of what is important. For your mum, your appreciation of what she has made is important. Whereas, you, being young, were more interested in doing nothing.
At that age, your sensitivity was also less developed. You took little interest in what other people thought of your actions. But your mum did not realize thatHer expectations of you were the expectations from a grown person.
If at that time you had both realized this difference in perceptions and expectations, the conflict could have been avoided.
But its done already. What you can do now is tell her that you remember that incident and you are very sorry about not being sensitive about her feelings
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Hi Yihan - ah, this scenario happens almost every other day at home. My mum always nags at my brother for some trivial matters (e.g. when to eat dinner, when to sleep, and even what articles about health he should read), and because my brother is usually engrossed with his computer games, he ignores us. My mother would then start shouting and screaming, both of them would be in a bad mood, though my mum wouldn't be in tears because of it.
From my own understanding, my mother starts screaming because that is the only way she knows how to communicate with us, to get us to do what she wants. To her, we are still very young (though my brother's actually 30), and hence she only knows how to get across to us this way. Perhaps your mother feels the same way and hence she got upset when you didn't respond to her wake-up calls?
I can only think of two ways to avoid a conflict in this scenario - firstly, do whatever your mother asks you to. I understand it can be really hard to get up early, especially on a Sunday morning. However, it really is a very simple task, just think - you'll be able to make your mother happy so easily! Secondly - you might want to start talking to her and suggesting that you are a grown up. (Though you were only 12 then of course...) Hence, she might want to change the way she communicates with you - and suggest that you look at her articles instead of demanding that you do so. Perhaps she has already understood that you are now grown up and talks to you like the mature adult you are rather than the child you were?
I hope you and your mum can stay close and loving!
From the many blog posts that I have read (including my own story of interpersonal conflict) , I realise that interpersonal conflicts arises between people who are close to and know each other very well. These are the people that we know will always be there for us and we tend to take them for granted. In your case, that person is your mom.
I can empathise with you. Youths these days often do not understand or see the importance of certain practices of earlier generations. Earlier generations like our parents and grandparents in turn, do not understand why the younger generations are unable to appreciate or respect traditions and practices.
Perhaps, the youths nowadays are not aware of the purpose behind certain practices. Thus, they do not feel its importance. But, being unaware and disrespecting parents are 2 different issues. If I were in your shoes, I will try to ask my parents the significance of certain practices and try to see things from their point of view. i.e. Put myself in their shoes. If I understand the significance and relevance of their actions, I would be more willing to accommodate with them. And so, chances of an interpersonal conflict would be lesser.
If I could guess, you're the only child? Mothers lavish all their attention on their kids, it's only natural to want some kind of reciprocation.
You were so young then. The kind of attention she wanted from you would have been perceived as irksome. Shouting certainly compounded the situation, but since she was reaching out to you, why not give in and resolve the situation quickly?
What do you feel you would have done, in retrospect? As we get older, showing appreciation gets awkward. Better to do it when we still have the chance!
To Fang Yong:
Actually this situation prob won't happen now not cos I have learnt to handle my mom but more because she won't even bother to get me to wake up. haha. But ya, I suppose I treasure the relationship much more now, so I won't ruin it just cos of sleep time. But for more impt stuff, eg my decision to extend 1 sem, I still do it my way ;p
To Vanessa: haha, I guess she does expect me to be obedient, although she's not the type to compare.
But living up to other pple's expectations is difficult. I suppose we should just try to be as caring and considerate as possible
To Yashfeer:
Haha. Good pt. I suppose my sensitivity to others was pretty close to zero.
I wonder if she still remembers...
To Shiyun:
My my, I thought you were referring to your younger bro. Thankfully my mom & I have a much better understanding. In the past, I did tell her on several occasions that I should be treated as a grown-up, and it has certainly worked! ;p.
Ur mom's nagging shows that she cares for ur bro, but i guess she just doesn't understand that nagging doesn't work anymore for someone his age. In fact, it may do the reverse. u should share with ur mom & bro some communication skills ;p
To Joanna:
haha. I was thinking when did our class have a Joanna. Quite fun to have interclass blogging exchange ;p.
Anyways, I agree w/ u 100% that we often take the pple closest to us for granted. It was only when I had to go stay by myself in a hostel during sec 1 tat I started to appreciate what my family did for me.
To Rina: haha, I'm not the only child. But I my mom does lavish a lot of attention to both my sis & I. I try sometimes to return her love (although its still heavily unbalanced ;p)
Thanks, Yi Han, for sharing with us this incident that happened so many years ago between you and your mum.
The fact that you remember the details so clearly after all these years tells us that you probably didn't feel very good about the incident, either over the way you reacted, or over your mom's reaction to your action.
Conflicts often arise when one party fails to understand how the other party feel, or see things from the other party's point of view.
It's clear to me though, that you possess self-awareness and empathy, two characteristics crucial to developing good people skills. If these are coupled with self-regulation, strong, healthy relationships will definitely be in the equation. What do you think?
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